WrestleMania XII

March 31, 1996
Anaheim, California
Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim

• First of all, this logo rules.
  
  Secondly, this logo has nothing to with the city of Anaheim and it should have been saved for a Mania in Los Angeles.
  
  It’s WrestleMania XII, baby!
  
  
• It’s the first Mania in history not to open with some kind of patriotic musical performance. I legitimately miss it.
  
  The show kicks off with a six-man tag match: Vader, The British Bulldog and Owen Hart vs. Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson and Jake “The Snake” Roberts. It’s like they took all of the names on the roster, put them in a bag and picked out six.

• Ahmed Johnson out here trying to kill himself.
  
  It’s a pretty fun match! There are so many different styles and dynamics happening at once. Vader and Yokozuna squaring off was a highlight.

• Vader is just an athletic monster. I never understood physics, but I don’t think physics understand Vader. So let’s call it even.
  
  He seals the win for his team with a pinfall on Jake.
  
  
• Alright, it’s time for the Hollywood Backlot Brawl pitting “Rowdy” Roddy Piper against Goldust.
  
  First of all, the backlots of Hollywood are easily an hour away from Anaheim. On a good day! With no traffic!
  
  Secondly, Goldust is such an enigmatic, interesting character to discuss. I find him fascinating and cool, but the language surrounding him is always so homophobic and gross. Piper is the last person who has the nuance to navigate it. So, forgive me if I don’t love this.

• This very obviously pre-recorded, pre-edited brawl is underway.

• Get him!
  
  Piper hops in a random truck and follows Goldust, presumably, out of the backlot.
  
  We head back to Anaheim, unclear if the Backlot Brawl is over. Something tells me it’s not!!!

• Things return with a vengeance as “Stone Cold” Steve Austin makes his WrestleMania debut against Savio Vega. Austin, billed as the Million Dollar Champion, is accompanied to the ring by “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.
  
  Mid-match, Piper calls! Like, on the phone! Somehow Vince and Lawler are able to take the call on air. He’s on the tail of Goldust and vows to catch up to the “fruitcake!” Unfortunately, the connection fails and we lose him.
  
  But, have no fear! Piper calls back! In another short phone call, he manages to call Goldust a “fruitcake” again and says he’ll follow him to Tijuana if he has to. Uh, okay!

• Vince receives word that they have aerial coverage of Piper chasing Goldust.
  
  There’s no way to intelligently describe what happens next, so I’ll state it plainly: we get this split screen of Austin/Vega and the “aerial coverage” of Piper, which is obviously footage from the O.J. Simpson police chase that occurred some ten months prior. Neither Vince nor Lawler notice or acknowledge it. It’s the most deranged thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember any of this.
  
  Tonight is the night I lose my mind.
  
  MEANWHILE, THERE IS STILL A MATCH HAPPENING.
  
  I don’t even know what happened. DiBiase helped Austin win somehow. Who cares.
  
  The match is over and we cut back to more footage from the O.J. Simpson police chase. That’s a real sentence in a WrestleMania recap! Vince finally says something like “wait, that looks familiar,” but we cut away and start talking about Austin’s victory. I feel insane. I am insane. I’ve gone insane.
  
  
• Mr. Perfect is handling interview duties tonight. He talks to Diesel about his upcoming match with The Undertaker. Perfect asks Diesel if he’s scared of his opponent. I would have really respected Diesel if he had been like “yeah, he’s a dead freak, of course I’m scared.” But instead, he laughed it off. Missed opportunity.

• It’s time for another Piper update as I slowly slip into a coma. We cut to more footage. I just really want articulate: the O.J. chase happened almost a full calendar year ago.

• It’s another big Mania debut! Two of them, in fact! Hunter Hearst Helmsley escorted to the ring by Sable. Pretty wild that Austin and HHH make their WrestleMania debuts in back-to-back matches.

• The more things change, the more they stay the same.
  
  This maniac is back.
  
  Warrior immediately kicks out of the Pedigree and proceeds to win in a squash. Mess.
  
  
• They cut to more O.J. footage but my brain has stopped processing it.
  
  
• Diesel vs. Undertaker is up!

• This shot of ‘Taker’s entrance is bad ass. I can’t say enough great stuff about Paul Bearer.

• No wasted facial expressions. Absolute GOAT.

• The match isn’t great, but the two big men in there together make for some impressive visuals.

• The camera work in the arena is impressive all night. It can make such a difference.

• Big Daddy Cool puts up a fight, but ‘Taker pulls out his toughest Mania win yet. The Deadman is 5-0.

• Like a bad zit, Piper and Goldust show up again just as I was starting to forget about them.

• They eventually make their way into the arena. Vince says there are no rules and no referee, so it’s unclear how this thing ends. Do they fight until somebody dies?
  
  Goldust eventually kisses Piper and I’m literally begging for this to be over. Piper retaliates by grabbing Goldust’s dick, which…

• Piper disrobes Goldust and then kisses him. The crowd loves it. What is HAPPENING? I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE, DAD.
  
  
• Listen, it’s time for the main event: Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels in a 60-Minute Iron Man Match. Thank goodness.

• It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s an aerial stunt that makes me uncomfortable retroactively post-Owen Hart!
  
  Booking this match was a pretty bold move. Up until now, the longest Mania match in history had been Warrior/Hogan at Mania VI, which went 22:51. All of a sudden you’re booking a match that’s guaranteed to go an hour. It’s asking a lot of your casual fans.
  
  The match itself is very methodical. They are both obviously taking their time. There are a lot of submission holds, very few big moments. To their credit, the crowd sticks with it.
  
  We wind down under 10:00 and there still hasn’t been a fall.

• High risk maneuvers start flying as the clock ticks. This is beautiful.

• Bret gets the Sharpshooter locked in for the final :35. Michaels hangs on.

• The Hitman leaves, assuming that tie goes to the champion.

• The match is ordered to continue under sudden death rules. The champ isn’t happy!

• Less than two minutes into extra time, Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music and wins his first-ever WWF Championship.

• It’s a great moment!
  
  The match won’t be everybody’s cup of tea, but I think it’s pretty special. It demands some patience, which is an increasingly difficult thing to hand over. I really appreciate everybody involved for taking the risk.
  
  WrestleMania XII is a mixed bag if there ever was one. A match I loved, some matches I liked, a squash that’s silly and probably the worst Hollywood Backlot Brawl I’ve ever seen. It fits somewhere in the middle of Mania lore.
  
  It’s 12:34 a.m. and I have three more Manias to watch, well, later today! See you at XIII.